An Old Person’s Take On Modern Slang

It has recently come to my attention that I am an old old woman… and I have the grey hair to prove it. And as an old woman I have now bestowed upon myself the right to refuse to learn new slang, which really just means I don’t know what slang means so when younguns start talking to me my brain translates everything they say wrong.


What I think it means: Registered Nurse. Duh. Cause that’s actually what it means.

So when my token young person friend Demetrius tells me I’m being “too hyper RN”, there’s always like 5 seconds where I think he’s telling me I’m too jittery to adequately do his IV. And I’m like bitch I’m not trying to give you an IV, if you need an IV you need to go to a hospital.

What it really means: Right Now


What I think it means: The tiny purse called a clutch… which as slang I can only assume means something that’s meant to be helpful but is really just more trouble than it’s worth and totally useless. Seriously clutch, if all you can hold is my ID and $30 I’ll stick that shit in my bra and then have my hands free… WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOU?!?!

So when someone says “My mom is totally clutch.” I’m like “Yeah, I never liked your mom either… but it’s not her fault she’s dumb as a box of rocks and ugly as sin.” and then things get weird.

What it really means: awesome


What I think it means: Beyonce, because Bae sounds like Bey. Or poop, because it’s also the Danish word for poop.

So when people say, “I have a new bae.” I don’t answer. Because they either met Beyonce or they just took a really impressive trip to the bathroom and feel the need to tell me about it… but getting those two confused would be really¬†embarrassing so I better just keep my mouth shut.

What it really means: Someone you love… I think.


What I think it means: I have no imaginary meaning for fleek. It sounds weird, I don’t understand it, and it never seems to be used in the same context. I like to think I’m pretty creative but seriously, I’ve got nothing.

What it really means: I seriously have no idea what it means. Like, at all. And also I think it sounds dumb… and I adamently refuse to learn what it means and try to use it which is something I can absolutely do because, remember, I’m old now.


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