What’s Different When You Have Kids Young

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what is really the difference between having kids when you’re young vs waiting till you’re older.

Why you might ask? Because all my friends are like 10 years older than me… and I’ve realized maybe that’s weird. I like to joke that it’s just because I’m super mature (but then I usually follow it with some sort of MILF joke so clearly I’m not that mature) but the real reason is most people my age are working 20 hours a week at a coffee shop to keep their student loans deferred while they figure out what they want to do when they grow up and spending their evenings in trendy bars… and I have two kids and a mortgage.

So instead we mostly hang out with people who also have a couple kids and mortgages also and would rather drink those margaritas in my living room (because they agree that bars are way too loud)… and basically none of those people are also in their mid 20s because most people wait a second before popping a baby out of their lady garden. We’re in this weird middle place where we’re too young to be old but way too old to still pretend we’re young.

So what is really the difference between having kids in your early 20s vs having kids in your mid 30s? We parent similarly, so that can’t be it. That whole “the baby weight falls off faster when you’re young!” thing is absolute bullshit, if you don’t believe me go ask my poor abused spanx. What is it?

I think I finally figured it out.

The difference is that when you have kids really young you never have a chance to get your shit together first.

I mean, David and I had the major points of adulting under control… we paid our bills on time, held down jobs, stayed out of prison, and didn’t live with our parents. But all those finer points of adulting that everyone else figured out in their 20s was lost on us because there was basically no space between the “I was too drunk to remember to put my half eaten bowl of ramen in the fridge before I passed out last night so this morning I’m going to eat it for breakfast before I go to work” phase of life and the “I’m responsible for another human” phase.

And if you haven’t gotten those finer points of “adulting” down before you have kids you’re basically just not going to, because parenting is a whole new set of shit you’ve got to figure out so the “How often do I actually need to wash my sheets?” questions get put to the side. Indefinitely.

And even once you do sort of get your shit together you never know for sure if you really have or not because you don’t even know what “real adulting” means anyway. I am left constantly wondering, should I stop doing X because I’m “a grown up” or is this something everyone else does too and just doesn’t talk about?

Like eating the ramen you forgot to put in the fridge last night the next morning for breakfast… cause that still sometimes happens (although now it’s just cause I’m tired, not cause I’m too drunk). Am I allowed to do that?

Do all adults occasionally find a shirt on the floor and give it the sniff test to determine if it really needs to go in the hamper or if they can just wear it today instead?

And seriously, how often do I really have to wash my sheets? Can I just wait until they feel kinda gross? Or is just thinking that gross in and of itself?

I like my mediocre IKEA furniture and don’t ever want to upgrade to the nicer brands… does that mean I’m broken or is that a valid life choice?

Does everybody occasionally have that moment when they’re going to bed and realize the only things they ate that day was coffee and two handfuls of girlscout cookies? Or is that just some college level bullshit I need to seriously work on.

So yeah, that’s the difference between having kids in your early 20s vs mid 30s in case you were wondering. And also if anybody wanted to give me any insight into those other questions I would love it.

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