Conversations With My Husband: Sucking D*ck For Crack

(Preface: Mom/Dad/Anyone Who’s Offended By Profanity, this is going to involve a lot of that so just stop reading. Everyone else, We call each other crack whores a lot, it’s all loving and joking, Dave Chapelle and this sketch are 100% responsible for it, and we mean no disrespect to all the crack whores who are probably reading this right now.)

Me: “OMG thank you so much for cooking it was freaking delicious. Even though you’re a crack whore.”

David: “You’re a crack whore. You crack whore.”

Me: “I’m not a crack whore.”

David: “You’re not NOT a crack whore.”

Me: “Well, really I am NOT a crack whore. Because I’ve never sucked a dick for crack. That means I’m not a crack whore.”

David: “I guess the real question then is what would you suck a dick for? Would you suck a dick for weed?”

Me: “Absolutely not.”

David: “Would you suck a dick for a ukulele?”

Me: “That would probably depend on who’s dick it was.”

David: “I already got you a ukulele. That really nice ukulele, remember? I got you that and didn’t get anything.”

Me: “Would sucking a dick for ukulele be more classy than sucking a dick for crack? Less classy? Equally unclassy?”

David: “Definitely more classy. Because music is good for you. Crack is not good for you. If you were a ukulele whore I would have a lot more respect for you than if you were a crack whore.”

Me: “Except I’m not a crack whore or a ukulele whore.”

David: “No, you’re still kind of a crack whore.”

Me: “You’re a crack whore. Crack whore.”


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