Drunk Bible Stories: Esther

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Drunk Bible Stories is when I drink a little too much and tell y’all a Bible story… and all the Christians get offended that I’m drinking and all the atheists get offended that I’m talking about the Bible… and I refuse to give a shit.

Esther is fantastic.  Like, so fantastic if Finnegan was a girl his middle name was going to be Hadassah (Esther’s Hebrew name).  That’s how much I love her.  So in honor of her (and the tequila I just drank with my friend James) here is the drunk Bible store of Esther.

Esther was wicked hot.  Like, mind blowingly, lose-your-shit, hot.  That was just a fact that couldn’t be denied.

Meanwhile, Xerxes wife was a badass who I also love.  Her name was Vashti and the king was super drunk and said “Bring Vashti up here because I want to show all my tool, drunk-ass friends how hot my lady is.” and she said “Fuck that noise, I’m so much better than that.”

Well she was right, but Xerxes friend’s were giant misogynist tools and said “If she says no to you, EVERY woman will think she can say no to her man… so you gotta get rid of her.”   So he did… even though she was awesome… but whatever.

So Xerxes goes to find him a new queen and sleeps with all these bitches but likes Esther the most… because she both super duper hot, but I also like to think deep down he realized how crazy awesome she was.

Esther was also a Jew, so when the douchebag Haman said he was going to kill all the Jews and cousin/pseudo dad Mordechai is really bummed about it because… hey, nobody wants to die… especially at the hands of a douchebag.  So… to make a really long story short, girlfriend is wicked smart and gets her husband, Xerxes, the king, to agree to kill Haman instead of all the Jews.  Because she’s super awesome and super crazy smart.  Also, Esther is the only book in the Bible to never mention God (although it does reference him/her in a round about way when they talk about fasting and praying).

So Haman is a douchebag and Esther is so awesome it makes my mind melt.  The end.

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