I can’t think of a good way to start this so I’ll just jump right in. I haven’t been very healthy for a long long time, mentally at least. Without going into any of the gory details I have a really warped relationship with food and my body… like, really pretty messed up. It hasn’t been fun, it hasn’t been good, and it hasn’t been healthy.
Everybody suspects the super skinny girl of having a messed up self image, people usually expect the same of the morbidly obese girl. But that slightly overweight chick? People don’t worry about her. Which made it really easy to hide what was going on.
The weird thing is, I really didn’t hate my body. I mean, I have ‘cry in the bathroom because the jeans barely fit’ days just like anyone, don’t get me wrong… but over all I was always pretty happy with myself when I was truly honest. I didn’t hate my body, I felt guilty for NOT hating my body. Because as that over weight girl I’m suppose to, right? How is anything ever going to change without a healthy sense of self loathing? Nobody gets skinny by appreciating the amazing things their body can do… right?
It was all a really bizarre clusterfuck of competing emotions and it spilled over into my actions which got more and more unhealthy as it went on.
About two months ago my brain seemed to suddenly snap back to normal and I could clearly see what had been going on and how messed up it was. So I started being proactive about getting better, taking care of my body the way something this awesome deserves to be taken care of, and going balls to the wall about developing a good relationship with my body again… namely giving myself permission to love it and tolerating nothing less.
Does that mean I wouldn’t be healthier losing 20lbs? No, I totally would be. But right now I have other things that need fixing before I can tackle that.
Almost a year ago in the midst of it all I realized I had an entire pinterest board just of grilled cheese sandwich recipes and decided I was going to have a grilled cheese month, where I made different grilled cheeses every day and tried them all. I thought it would fun culinary adventure, something great to blog about, and who doesn’t like a good grilled cheese?
Then I thought “But I’ll do that once I lose some more weight. Fat bitches got no business eating grilled cheese every day.”
And now it’s a year later and my weight has gone up and down and round and round and I’ve never gotten to a place where I felt like I deserved the right to tell the world that I’m eating a grilled cheese.
Now how messed up is that? How outrageously sad way to live life is that? My worth and what I can or cannot do is not contingent on whether or not I can get those size 7 brown pants buttoned… it’s not. I’m done telling myself “I can’t do that until I’m skinny.” or thinking I’m somehow unworthy of awesome-ness because of a number on a scale.
Not to mention, there’s no reason a healthy diet cannot accommodate one grilled cheese a day, my issues with it are 100% mental bullshit. A truly healthy diet can absolute include grilled cheese… the warped nonsense I was involved in before is what couldn’t accommodate one grilled cheese.
So today I’m coming out. My name is Jenna and I’m overweight. I currently wear a size 10 or 12 depending on the brand, and my stomach is so covered in stretch marks from baby making if I lifted up the bottom of my shirt you may very well think I’m wearing a tan and purple stripped tank top underneath it. Verona calls them my tiger stripes and says I’m a tiger woman. I have not, nor will I ever have a thigh gap. Unhealthily skinny 17 year old Jenna didn’t even have a thigh gap so fabulously curvy post baby Jenna is absolutely never going to and I’m 100% ok with that. I’m over weight but I’m in pretty good shape physically. I sweat like a crazy lady on the elliptical (because it makes me feel good now, no longer because I want to make myself waste away), I can hula hoop like a rockstar, and last night I did three sets of 130lbs at the gym like a motherfucking badass.
My name is Jenna, I’m fucking awesome, and pretty soon I’m going to start my month of try-all-the-grilled-cheeses… and I’ll blog about every single one. So be ready!