Anyone who’s been reading here for long knows, but if you haven’t I’ll catch you up. I get really into holidays. Really into them. Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday are no exception.
So I have this whole menu planned out for traditional Mardi Gras/New Orleans food all day tomorrow and needed like five things from the grocery store plus cheap beads from the dollar store. So I went to the store and they didn’t even have one of the like five things I needed which was a pain in the ass but whatever.
As I was finishing checking out some girl dropped a 2 liter of soda and dropped it at the perfect angle to make all 2 liters of it spray me and only me. She couldn’t have planned it better if she’d tried.
I was going to just cut my losses and leave but the cashier wouldn’t let me move, claiming I would track soda through the store if I tried to walk to the door. Which, in all fairness, was true; but this was supposed to be a super quick trip and I wanted to get outta there. I decided to be a good sport about the whole thing though and stood there in soggy pants and super sticky sandles while it took four employees almost 15 entire minutes to find one roll of paper towels. Because that’s legit… right? No.
By the time they found one I neglected the rest of me and instead quick wiped off the bottom of my shoes only and left for the dollar store.
When I got to the dollar store as soon as I pulled into the parking space I realized the guy coming towards me was probably going for that same space. It wasn’t a hugely dick move on my part since there were a ton of other open spots and it technically would have been illegal for him to pull into it anyway since he was coming from the wrong direction, but I still probably would have given him the space if I’d have realized it because I’m a nice person like that.
But the dude flipped out… just flipped out. He parked his car right behind mine so I couldn’t move and got out screaming at me. I couldn’t move my car and I couldn’t get into the store without confronting him, and Mr. Crazy was looking to physical fight me over this parking space.
So I did what anyone would do. I panicked and pretended to be engrossed in searching for something in the center console of my car so I could pretend not to see him standing there yelling angry things at me while I sneakily locked all the doors and dialed 911.
I sat there with my finger on the send button for a while, trying to figure out if I needed to push it or if he would eventually go away, but when it became apparent he was looking for a fight I decided, no, we should just talk about this. It will be ok, we can work through this like adults… right? So I got out of the car, which I now realize was basically the worst plan. Never confront an insane man twice your size who’s screaming at you. Just don’t do it. Especially in a city like this. It’s a terrible plan.
I walked up to him to defuse the situation and/or get shot trying to defuse the situation cause I’m a dumb ass but he suddenly looked really confused and got back in his car. I like to think he realized that beating up a little girl over a parking space was unreasonable, but in reality I think he thought I was insane because I was walking right up to a big screaming man, leaving a trail of soda dripping from my pants as I came.
It was about that time when I realized how dumb I was being, so I turned and sprinted into the dollar store where I hid behind a sign watching the parking lot to make sure it wasn’t out there waiting for me or keying my car or something.
And that is the story of how I…
A)almost got shot over $2 worth of plastic Mardi Gras beads.
B)made a big mess and puddle of Pepsi on the floor of the dollar store. And
C)took over an hour to do what should have been a really small and simple errend.