A short list of foods that seem nice but are really super super mean.
Every single time I try to cook cabbage (which is pretty often because we eat a lot of stir fry and cabbage is cheap) it sends me through this emotional rollercoaster of never knowing how much food I’m dealing with, seeming to change size every time I touch it. It starts out looking like a normal head of cabbage, then expands exponentially with each slice, and ends the show by shriveling up to 1/10th of it’s origional self when I throw it in the pan.
Stupid lying cabbage.
Bailey’s Irish Cream. I recently received a letter from Bailey’s. It went a little something like this.
You know how you spend a decent amount of time and effort thinking about and planning ways to avoid the alcoholism that is literally written into your DNA? Like, much more time than the average person does, even the people with it staring at them from every branch of their family tree like you? Well just in case there weren’t enough amazing drinks in this world tempting you towards it, we made this alcohol that would be so delicious in all six cups of coffee you were going to drink this morning anyway.
Have fun trying to resist when you’re barely even awake!
Screw you Bailey’s. Screw you, then get in my coffee… but not till after 3pm… a girl’s gotta have standards.
You’re cheesy, you’re garlic-tastic, you’re covered in butter, and you have a bread base. You’re basically a carb orgasm in my mouth. You’re so awesome in fact that despite claiming we were having spaghetti for dinner I’ll probably only have a few bites of that and eat damn near a whole loaf of you instead.
Then you’ll do horrible things to me all night… giving me unkissable breath, making me burp garlic-tastic burps (which are substantially less tasty the second time around) and causing awkward noises to escape from the other end as well. Although I guess this one is my fault for loving you so.
And yes, in my head all Italian food sounds like Mario. It’s not racist, it just is what it is.