Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like showing everybody your vagina.

The Biblically themed Lord of the Flies Christmas Pageant at church was this past Sunday night and Verona had graduated from the sheep that she was last year to a mouse.  Except she refused to wear her mouse hat or mask, so really she was just a kid with a tail, but I digress.  Verona has also recently graduated from wearing diapers to wearing underwear.  (Foreshadowing anyone?)

The pageant went off without a hitch… by which I mean it was complete chaos but they were all adorable and nobody died which is really all you can ask of a bunch of small children in costumes.  When they were done the bell choir from the local middle school played a couple songs, then we all migrated over to where the cookies were to mingle.

I grabbed one of the last available chairs in a room packed with everyone we’ve ever known, plus the majority of the middle school and their parents, and was attempting to keep Finn occupied with the least messy cookie I could find when the person sitting next to me points and starts stammering as her eyes grow wide “Hey, hey you… I think your kid is disrobing.”

I turned around and there it was.  Verona had peed her pants but didn’t want anyone to see her with pee stained pants because she was embarrassed… so instead she just took them off.

christmas vagina

Because people are totally more likely to notice a little wet spot on your clothes than that you’re not wearing any at all.  Only about a quarter of the room was staring by now, so I quietly said “It’s ok honey, don’t worry.  We’ll go home and get you in some clean, dry, pajamas and it’ll all be fine.” and took her hand hoping to quietly lead her through the seated crowd to the door when she totally freaked out at the suggestion that we leave.


I bent down quickly, “Honey, you’re naked in a church and covered in your own pee.  We just need to go home right now.”  And continued to lead her to the door while she screamed at the top of her tiny lungs the entire way out to the car, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  I DON’T WANT TO GO HOME!  I WANT ANOTHER COOKIE!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  Which of course everyone was watching by this point, because who isn’t going to watch a naked child scream?

Merry Christmas everybody, you’re welcome for the show.


One thought on “Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like showing everybody your vagina.

  1. Anonymous says:

    I have to say, I would definitely be a giggling mess if this happened in our church…even if it happened to me. She’s just trying to make people less uncomfortable because naked children are much cuter than potty-smelling children. Verona knows that 🙂

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