If I Die Young… Or Hopefully Old

I am well aware how morbid this is, but the truth is there is a very good chance I will eventually kick the bucket (although a chance I won’t… I’m not ruling out the scientific advances we have to look forward to), and in light of that realization it seems only fair that everyone have no doubts about what to do when that happens.

So here are my rules for what to do if I die young, or old… hopefully old.

1. No viewing of the body.  By anyone I’ve ever known.  At all.  Ever.  Have you ever seen a dead body that looked good?  No, you haven’t.  Dead bodies always look terrible and the last thing I want is everyone’s final memory of me looking like shit.

2. I don’t care what you do with my body as long as it doesn’t violate #1.  Donate it to science, cremate me, throw me in a lake, leave me at the morgue and never claim me so I’m the city’s problem.  I’m dead… which means I’m guessing I’ll have more important things to deal with.

3. No sad funerals, I want a fun Irish wake.  I want a band, I want a variety of awesome food (at least one of which involves wing sauce), and freely flowing whiskey and margaritas… preferably from a whiskey or margarita fountain.  I want drunk family members slurring speeches about how awesome I was and pouring shots out on the ground in my honor (I know I’m mixing Mexican with the Irish now but I don’t care, it’s my FUNeral and I can do what I want).

4. Somebody needs to pick out the drunken slurring mourners who can publically tell the following true stories,

  • That time in college when I was a nude model for the chest portion of a statue the sculpture class was making, specifically how they chose me because they unanimously agreed I had the best rack on campus.
  • How I speak the most fluent pig latin of anyone.
  • How I once ate hot wings every single day for 10 whole months (it was when I was pregnant with Finn).
  • My epic alcohol tolerance.
  • How I had a habit of acquiring unloveable pets… this story should be told with the angle of “she was such a saint” instead of “she was completely insane”, despite the latter probably holding more truth.
  • The hilarious lies and alter-egos I would make up for strangers when I had a few too many drinks.

Did I miss anything?  Anybody got more ideas for death related plans I should be making known?


5 thoughts on “If I Die Young… Or Hopefully Old

  1. Good topic!

    I know you said no sad funerals but would you want to have any kind of traditional service? You know, where someone stands up and gives a summary of your life and there’s flowers and music and a memorial spot of some kind.

    This is something my husband and I have had to discuss because we’re non-theists who have some extremely religious family members. If left to their own devices our funerals (but especially his) would be the opposite of what we actually believe or how we want to be remembered.

    As macabre as this is to say I hope those relatives die first for the sake of family harmony. 🙂

    Other than that my only request is that my body is either cremated or buried without being pumped full of preservatives. I think it’s creepy when corpses don’t decay and I’d rather not have my body be around for anthropologists to dig up in 200 years.

    1. Oh I’m so on your side with that one. No embalming, unless it’s because you’re donating my body and witty yet troubled med students are going to cut me up in an uplifting coming of age story and burn me later. The idea of rotting away in a box over the next 100+ years is weird.

      And somebody can stand up and give a summary at my wake/FUNeral, Bible verses and everything, I’m fine with that, but not the big tragic sobbing in a church deal.

  2. Ack, make that archeologists, not anthropologists. It would be even creepier to be dug up by an anthropologist! Imagine a world in which bones could talk! :O

  3. Cassie says:

    I am fully in favor of this. I have one rule: I’m invited and I get to be one of the drunks telling stories and I want to pour a shot on the coffin/urn/box that you’re in to show that you can still party in the afterlife 🙂

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