Sex After Children

My kids are “grass is always greener” kind of people.  Or more specifically they fully believe that the fun is always greater in the other room.  Elmo himself could be making balloon animals in the livingroom, but if I went into another room to do my taxes they would follow me in there, 100% sure that there was more fun in the taxes room… they just hadn’t found it yet.

Needless to say that makes finding the opportunity for uninterrupted sexy time difficult at best.  Even when they’re asleep the orgasmic vibes in the air wake them from rooms away.  And it has to be the vibes because when you have two small children you become a master at totally silent sex.  It’s like being a teenager all over again and having sex in your parents house… even the slightest bed creaking could clue someone in to what was going on.  Only now instead of worrying about your mom coming to break up the party you’re worried about your kids.  Your kids, who, by the way, are the direct results of previous parties… so you’d think they would respect it more.

But I digress.

Here are a couple ideas of ways to keep your kids distracted somewhere else long enough for you to get in a quickie without them crawling into the bed because they want to “cuddle” with the two of you.

The Kids Are Basically Bald Parrots Plan.

Kids, just like parrots, love shiney things.  If you put various shiney things around your backyard it will take a while for the kids to get all around and properly investigate all of them.  (Tip: This only works if you live in a city like ours with giant walls around yards so they can’t escape or get in any trouble.  Letting your toddler out into the world unsupervised in generally frowned upon.)

The Lock Em’ Out Plan

Shut the bedroom door and lock it.  The upside is that nobody can get in, the downside is they will stand on the otherside banging on it and asking for food… just like they do when you try to poop.

The Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend… and For The Sake of This Anaology Diamonds Are Cookies Plan.

Put the kids in the kitchen with a giant pile of cookies.  Cookies are a distraction trump card… every time.  (Tip: Try to plan you horizonal tango’s for right before dinner because the hungrier they are the longer they’ll be distracted by the sugary goodness.)

And finally, The Ship Them Off Plan

Send them to grandma’s.  Make sure you put the dogs somewhere else too though.  After you go through all that effort to get some child free bump and grind on the last thing you want is an awkwardly placed cold wet nose throwing off your mojo.


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