Running Realities

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I’ve officially completed my first week of running (despite the attempted sabotage of mother nature and David’s school changing his schedule around) and I’ve realized a few things.

1.  I’m in a lot better shape then I thought I would be because I’ve been hooping so much since the last time I tried running.  And that’s nice.

2.  I have asthma.  That’s not a new realization, just something I always forget when deciding I’m going to start running again.

3.  There may not be a sports bra in the world that can adequately contain the girls.  They get an A+ in scoring me free drinks at bars, but an F in not putting my eye out when I run.

4.  I’m super delusional about how I look when I run.  When I’m running I would bet you a million bucks I look like I just jogged off the cover of Runner World magazine, but reality is so so much different.

First off, I don’t know what it is but my face turns bright bright red… like so much redder than I’ve ever seen anybody elses ever in the world when they exercise.  I could easily be mistake for a burn victim, or a character from the next Saw movie (SawXXVII?) who gets her face mercilessly carved off by a crazy person with a straight razor.  It is not normal, and it is not pretty.

And I’m assuming I run crooked because my shirt always pulls to one side while my boobs flop all around until eventually the one is completely covered and the other is one trampoline double-bounce away from saying hello to the whole world.  Add to this that my phone that I listen to music on gets pulled from the side of my bra when I snuggly put it at the beginning of the run until eventually it ends up wedged between my cleavage which makes me look like a crazy person.

Lastly, once in middle school a guy told me I run like an orangutang.  For years I told myself he was just a dick but eventually had to admit that, even though he was kind of a dick, he’s right.  I run like Helen Keller spoke.

So while I’m trucking around my neighborhood thinking I look like this…

I really look like a slutty, sweaty, burn victim who thinks her cleavage is nature’s glovebox.

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. Sounds like me if I try to run. And I haven’t popped out any mini-me’s!
    I keep thinking, “I’ll start running!” then I remember that my body was mish mashed together ina weird way and if I run my joints ache like all hell and I’m in danger of dislocating something…
    Have fun running though!

  2. Erin says:

    Go Jenna! I’m glad you’re sticking with it! In reference to #1, isn’t it great to do more than you thought you could? And I am like you- I stick stuff down in my bra. Right now I’ve got my phone/iPod, keys, and tissues in there. It’s like my purse. Today I had trouble finding my keys and was totally digging around all in there… I’m sure people driving by were wondering why I was fondling myself or giving myself a breast exam on the sidewalk…

    1. jennaboring says:

      “breast exam on the sidewalk”… this is why we’re friends.

  3. Jennifer S says:

    Ha! I go through phases where I’m like “Hell yeah! I’m going to start running! That looks like so much fun!” but then I remember that every time I’ve ever tried that, it has not been pleasant. I get red faced and face slapped by my boobs too.

    Ever see that episode of “Friends” where Phoebe and Rachel run? And Phoebe runs like a big kid all flailing about? Yeah, that’s me.

    But hooray to you for getting though week 1!

  4. Hey, I have the same boob issue and I found a solution. First get fitted, not at the secret, I know their secret and it’s that they don’t fit people with boobs over a c cup. Second once you learn your real size (I am proud to say I am down to a 34 F! From a 38HH) go order the Glamorise sports bra. It works!! I’ve tried a bazillion. Mostly none of them work, and if they do they stretch out and don’t work right quick. Plus they mostly cost $80. The glamorise was around $30! Happy bra buying. 🙂

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