The night of bodily fluids

Once a week David has a soccer game in the evening.  Sometimes they’re before the kids go to bed so we can all come and watch, other times they’re after they go to bed and I get some time to myself while he’s gone and they’re asleep.  Every once in a while though the game is right over bedtime which sucks because I have no help but isn’t usually a big deal.  Tonight was one of those nights.

We’ve read a few stories, the lights have been turned off, and I’m sitting on my bed with Verona drifting off to sleep next to me and Finn passed out in my arms.

Just as Verona’s eyes close Finn’s mouth opens wide and out of it shoots a horror movie worthy stream of projectile vomit… it covers me, it covers Verona, it covers Finn, it covers the bed, the floor, and the dog.  Vomit vomit everywhere.

Needless to say we took a detour towards the bathtub from bedtime.

When we got out of the bathtub and were walking down the hall back to their room to get re-pajamified…

Despite being only 10 lbs this boy can shoot pee further than most grown men… meaning it went clear down one end of the hall and, when I freaked out and turned him, clear down to the other end too.

I flew into their room and put him down on the changing table while Verona jumped up on her bed but before I could start to clean him off I heard her exclaim in horror

She was horrified that she was sitting in a rapidly expanding puddle of her own pee on the bed so through her tears she ran in shame into the closet, slamming the doors behind her.  All I could think was how fortunate I was that the pee didn’t hit the pillow, sheets can go in the washer but pillows getting messy is THE WORST.  How lucky could I be that there was no pee on the pillow!?!  Before I could try and coax her out so I could clean her up and put a diaper on her though I heard the crying stop, followed by a tiny voice in despair exclaiming

When I finally got her out of the now pee filled closet, cleaned up, and tear-free I turned to Finn who was still covered in pee (although significantly less concerned about it) and heard Verona announce “I help mommy.  I help clean pee.”  I thought that ment she was going to get a towel and try to mop up the pee like she does when she spills a drink but before I could say “thank you honey” she grabbed the pillow, which had miraculously stayed pee free, and slammed it down in the puddle of pee exclaiming

She was so damn proud of being “helpful” there was no way I could get mad.  So instead I pulled out the secret mom card that we’re all ashamed to even admit is in our arsenal… TV baby sitter.  Fraggle Rock was turned on, kids were put in front of it, and I cleaned up my bed, the floor in my room, and all of our clothes which were all covered in vomit and the entire hallway, Verona’s bed, the floor in her closet, and the pillow which were all covered in various people’s urine… all while practicing some serious deep breathing.

Oh, I forgot to tell you the best part.  This morning David got up and made a fabulous breakfast which included bacon meaning the dogs got some grease from the pan poured over their food as a special treat.

Bacon, however, gives them the most rancid gas you could ever possibly imagine.

So throughout this whole horrifying ordeal Daisy and Barney were following us from one room to the next, filling each with their awful bacon farts from hell as we went.

11 thoughts on “The night of bodily fluids

  1. The ordeal sounds HORRIFYING, but this post is HILARIOUS. The cartoons worked so well in adding to the story (rather than just illustrating it, as many do). I’m sure there’s some kind of contest out there for cartoon short stories–you should submit this!

  2. love it my dear. especially the farting dogs finalee. love it! thanks for making parenting so damn funny in its worst moments.

    for the record, i’m sooo thankful most of our fluidy phases are over. we had nights where four-five times a night fluid was spraying. god, i was exhausted then,…. and so much laundry….

    enjoy it. you’re a diva!

    1. Verona wasn’t feeling good a few weeks ago and I just slept in the guestroom with her so I wouldn’t wake David when I had to change the sheets seven times in the night after she got sick all over them. I greatly anticipate the day when she’s in control of that enough to aim for a trash can or toilet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s