I have exactly two productivity settings. #1 I’m all chill and everything is fine, I’ll live right here in this moment, play with the kids all the live long day, laugh, smile, and get absolutely nothing done. And #2 Running around like a maniac doing everything in sight, getting every single thing done, and being all around uber productive.
The thing is, neither scenario stays the way I described for long. In reality, Productivity Setting #1 ends with David being all stressed out and pissed that the house is a disaster zone and our dinner options are seriously limited by the fact that all the forks and cups are sitting dirty by the sink. Him being stressed and pissed makes me stressed and pissed, and everyone ends up hating each other… in filth. Productivity Setting #2 isn’t that much better, it ends with me thoroughly pissed at everyone in the house for not bowing down and thanking me for everything I’m doing, for having fun without me while I’m slaving away, for needing things from me that interfere with my crazy lady productivity (How dare you interrupt me with your need for food, child! David, don’t you dare try and kiss me when you get home from class, I’m busy damnit!) and because as far as I can tell they’re just maliciously following me around destroying all the progress I’m making. Topping this self-induced martyrdom sundae is a caramel drizzle of both physical and mental exhaustion, a hot fudge drizzle of general pissyness brought on by the fact that in my cleaning rage I never stopped to eat, a large dollop of self loathing that I did this to myself at all, and a cherry on top of feeling like a giant life fail because dispite all the crazy I look around and things still aren’t done. Usually this whole depressing scene is played out while I lay on the couch showing off my pouty face and eating nachos, a frozen burrito, a Sonic foot long chili cheese coney, or something equally awful.
Needless to say, neither scenario is healthy or sustainable.
For years I’ve been trying to find some sort of acceptable middle ground… one where I can be happy and not ridiculous but still manage to get at least four things done in a day, one where I can be a good mom without everyone living in chaos and filth, one where everyone can go to bed reasonably happy at night or at least not be able to attribute their unhappiness all on me. Furthermore I need some indication that I can actually be a functional adult and that I in any way deserve the wonderful life I have.