Since nothing new and exciting has been going on in my life lately I’ve decided to give you a random story from the past. Since there’s nothing super special about it I drew you all some crappy pictures, and yes I realize I totally jacked the whole “pictures done in paint and weird story” thing from Hyperbole and a Half, but I’ll anything to keep both of my loyal readers amused.
Once upon a time, long long ago, I worked in a dirty little 50’s diner called Skoops. The job sucked but by virtue of the fact that I knew basic math, had all my teeth, and didn’t sell meth out of the parking lot I was one of the best employees there (I’m all about low expectations).
I couldn’t decide if that picture made me look apathetic and bored or just stoned, but since all those things were true almost all the time at that juncture in my life I decided I didn’t care.
One day I’m working behind the counter, scooping out ice cream for the good people of Nowheresville Kansas when a woman came in with her adorable little girl by her side and a baby on her hip.
The little girl was just as precious as can be, in her little summer outfit and her curly blonde pigtails. The mom coaxed the shy little girl to “Tell the nice lady what you want” while she fished around in her purse and as she reached across the counter to hand it to me suddenly everything went in slow motion. As her arm moved out in front of her the baby got a pained look on it’s face, then it’s eyes went wide, it’s cheeks bulged out and before I could slow motion shout “Nooooooooooooo!”…
…it’s mouth opened and a shower of projectile orange baby vomit so impressive it belonged in an Exorcist movie shot out all over everything… all over the counter, all over the floor, and all over the money in the womans out stretched hand.
The woman in a horrified fluster scrambled around screaming “Oh my God oh my God oh my God!” while grabbing handfuls of napkins and wiping the baby, then the counter, then the floor, then the baby again, “Oh my God oh my God oh my God!” Finally all flustered and confused she practically throws the vomit money at the little girl while mumbling “I’ll be right back, oh my God oh my God…” as she runs out the door with the baby.
I look down at the little girl who is completely traumatized. She looks this way, that way, then turns her giant horrified blue eyes up at me, down at the vomit covered money, then… with terror still in her eyes she gingerly extends her hand with the dripping money towards me and says in a truly apologetic tiny voice
Later, I tried to wash the money off but no matter what I did it still reeked of vomit. I put it under the counter not knowing what to do with it and reluctant to put it in the drawer and spread the smell to the rest of the cash but not long after some douchebag came in and said something rude to the other girl working. Problem solved… sir, I have your change right here.