Often I have a laundry list of new years resolutions, none of which end up making it past January, but this year I’ve decided to trash all those little tangible things in exchange for a more holistic goal, my one and only new years resolution for 2011 is,
I am going to try my hardest to unapologetically be exactly who I am.
I am an incredibly self conscious person, which may come as a surprise to people who know me because I am so good at masking it with a self-confident exterior… but do not be fooled, self conscious is not the same as shy.
Often when I do something that may invite questions by other people I have a long list of logical and socially appropriate reasons why we’re doing what we’re doing to give anyone who asks, when really the reason is often much less logical (although I don’t think any less valid) and much simpler then my rehearsed and well thought through list of reasons why “this is the best decision”.
One example is my bottle feeding Verona. When people ask (and seriously, EVERYBODY asks) I have a well rehearsed and moving story that could draw sympathy from even the meanest lactation nazi, highlighting the medical malpractice issues with her birth, all the problems that ensued because of it, my valiant and downright martyr-ific striving to make it work, all ending with the lactation consultants telling me that we’d done everything we could. And the funny part is even though all of that is true, it’s really also a lie. A self conscious re-lighting of the story because I’m terrified of people judging me. So in honor of my 2011 New Years Resolution I’m going to stop pussy footing around the truth.
I planned on breast-feeding, it didn’t work and all that sucked but the truth is the day I quit trying to please everyone else and said “I quit! I’m done trying! Here Verona, enjoy your bottle!” what I was really doing was putting the well-being of myself and my baby above everyone elses judgements and opinions about what was best for us. It was the most relieving thing I’ve done in my life and even though it was tinged with sadness that always accompanies plans that didn’t go your way it was a joyous event. Oh, and everyone who tried to make me feel like a bad mother about it… a lot of the time you succeeded and you should not take that as a compliment.
And that, my friends, is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth… also known as “unapologetically who I really am.” Happy New Year.