My to do list today had exactly one thing on it, get an xray of the leg that I royally jacked up this past weekend in the mountains. (I hurt it while scaling the vertical side of a cliff trying to rescue a pair of baby eagles from imminent doom.) I really should have gone when it first happened, but I didn’t want to miss any of the fun so instead I got really good at putting anything I needed to carry on a plastic chair and pushing it along while I hopped on one foot behind it. My own upcycled white trash walker… I’m the classiest person you know.
My insurance is a super pain in the ass about never letting you see anybody unless you get a referral from whatever doctor they tell you to see first, so my first item of business was finding out who that was. I called the office I was supposed to call, listened to the phone ring for about two minutes, then heard the distinct sound of someone picking up the phone and immediately hanging up. It had to be a mistake so I called again. This happened four times.
So I called the office above that one and got an automated message that told me,
The bastards didn’t even have the decency to put me on hold, they just hung up on me. But I only had one day of guaranteed childcare and the only thing that sounded like less fun than hopping on one foot to the doctor is to do it with two small children in tow… I was determined to get in today. So I continually called that number again and again and again for an hour and a half, always getting that same message until finally I got through to a real live person who told me,
I told them I couldn’t get anything from the regular office on account of them continually hanging up on me so they told me to call another number. The next number, of course, told me the exact same thing and gave me another number to try.
This pattern continued for the next four hours and involved me calling nine different places just trying to get the name of one freaking doctor that they wanted me to see. When I finally got the name I called Dr. SoAndSo’s office and explained what happened, hoping to either get a referral to the xray place over the phone to save myself some hopping or get an appointment in the next few minutes. The woman laughed at me when I asked if I could get in before 3:00.
They told me I could go to Urgent Care instead, but when I got to Urgent Care the receptionist told me,
So I ended up going to the clinic by the hospital. Not the real ER, more like the ER’s illegitimate younger brother that nobody likes to talk about. A place with a disclaimer prominently displayed in the waiting room letting you know they were staffed by doctor-esque people, but no real doctors ever. So if you needed a for-really-realz doctor you should probably leave now, cause you were going to be disappointed.
I got in and a guy who reminded me Guillermo from Weeds (in the good cute-charming-smile ways, not the shady-human-trafficing-and-murdering-gang-member ways) checked everything out, took some xrays, and said it wasn’t broken I had just torn ligaments (which he then explained was actually worse, lucky me).
He even gave me my drugs (pain med prescription) without making me do a brick dance first. Chivalry might be dead elsewhere, but not in Not-Quite-A-Dr. Guillermo’s office.