My favorite thing about Portland.

We went to Portland for a couple days this past week to look for a house (which we found, by the way, and it’s perfect and awesome and everything I’ve ever wanted in a house and terrifying because previous to this my largest purchase ever has been like a $50 pair of shoes… but I digress.) and as we drove out of the airport the first thing out of Verona’s mouth was “What’s wrong with the trees?” I asked her what she meant and she said “They’re too big, and they have too many leaves. Something’s wrong with them.” which was when I realized that living in Phoenix my kids don’t actually know what trees are. What they think of as “trees” the rest of the country thinks of as “somewhat large shrubs”.

I am so in love with all the trees though. So so so so so in love. Everywhere we went there were trees. Huge trees, small trees, beautiful trees and Charlie Brown Christmas type sad looking trees… trees!
_DSC0324_DSC0362_DSC0351_DSC0349_DSC0343_DSC0373Trees.

There is no reason to keep torn sheets. Absolutely none.

Y’all, I just have to publicly shame myself for a moment. We’re moving which means I’m going through every cupboard, corner, closet, nook and cranny in my house, going through every. single. thing. that we own and deciding what is coming with us to Portland and what isn’t.

The five years that we’ve been in this house have been some of the most chaotic of my life. We moved, then immediately had a baby, then had some health issues from that birth that sucked and made just existing hard, then almost immediately had another baby, then had some more stressful health issues… all while David was working AND in school full time trying to finish up yet another degree. Needless to say keeping on top of the clutter was not my #1 priority at all during any of that time (and I’ll cut myself quite a bit of slack for that) but I had no idea just how much crap we had accumulated in that time.

Anyone who has been to my home knows that it’s in a constant state of chaos. There are always dirty dishes, there are never not toys on the floor for more than 5 minutes, and I’m not a clean freak at all… but I honestly didn’t think we were packrats or anything. For having two little kids I didn’t think we were doing that bad. Until I started going through stuff.

I’ve been pulling everything out of completely full closets and only putting back one shelf full because everything else is going to Goodwill or the trash.

I went through the linen closet thinking there were probably some things that could go. We had FIVE SETS of torn sheets in there. And not really nice sheets that just needed a little mend, sheets that has been in use for 10 years that are so thin you can see through them and torn all the way through that beyond all doubt just belong in the trash. THERE IS NO FREAKING REASON THAT I SHOULD BE KEEPING TORN SHEETS!

We had about 15 travel coffee mugs. Do you know how many people in this house take coffee with them out of the house ever?

Me. End of list.

The whole moving process has left me feeling like I need to call the producers of Hoarders on myself so they can come film an episode. That’s a little bit of an exaggeration but seriously, I do not need an entire shelf of baby blankets. Everyone in this house is too big for them and we have zero plans to reproduce again, the fact that they’re still here instead of having been donated to a women’s shelter the moment my kids grew out of them makes me want to hide my face.

So that’s my confession. It is what it is. Now if you’ll excuse me I have three more days at home before the movers show up and only about 90 bazillion things to get done.

WE ELOPED!

Almost six years ago David and I tied the knot in a big church ceremony in Kansas with both of our families. We did the whole “in the eyes of God, friends, and family” bit but not the legal part because we were both involved with the marriage equality movement and didn’t feel comfortable taking advantage of rights that weren’t available to everyone. And while it was a really beautiful ceremony, honestly, the whole day was just massive stressful with all the family and parents and what-have-you.

But now we’re moving to Oregon where that’s not an issue so we figured, fuck it, let’s do the damn thing! So tonight… tonight I had the wedding of my dreams.
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A group of our closest friends, on the roof of Gallo Blanco with the city skyline in the background, plenty of tacos and pitches full of margaritas to go around.

We’d called a friend ahead of time and asked her to get ordained online, she focused on the Dr. Seuss quote “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” which was absolutely perfect. Everything was absolutely perfect.

So all of you go take a shot to celebrate with us! Yes, I mean right now. Go get it right now. Because tonight is all about love.

GISHWHES 2014

So it’s GISHWHES time again! Remember my GISHWHES adventures from last year? Cause it was basically the funnest thing I’ve ever been part of.

So I’m putting together a team for this year! Ask yourself the following questions: Would you be willing to order fast food in Shakespearean verse in front of people? Would you be up for dressing up like a burnt up princess and carrying a sign down the street about how a dragon just destroyed your castle? Would you feel comfortable asking strangers for hugs? Would you be cool with taking pictures or videos of all of the above?

Cause those are all things they had on the list last year. You don’t have to live anywhere near me but you have to be willing to put in some effort and be really weird in front of people.

The scavenger hunt lasts for one week (Aug 2-9), I’ll make a private facebook group for our team to discuss and when the list of things for this year is posted decide who is doing what and keep track of our progress. I would also recommend getting a friend from where you live to join our team too because while you really don’t have to live anywhere near any of your teammates I think it’s a lot more fun if you have somebody to physically accomplish tasks with. But that’s just me.

Want to be on the Plaid Sheep (or whatever we decide our name should be) GISHWHES team? Leave a comment on this post, email me, facebook message me, send me a homing pigeon… whatever works… and let’s do this! I can’t promise you won’t look like a weirdo to your friends and family but I can promise you’ll have a lot of fun. :)

Rocky Horror Picture Show

I have never seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show… something that Kristen has always been pretty thoroughly offended by. So when a live show came up on Groupon she jumped at the chance, bought me a ticket, and said I didn’t have a choice. Not that I really needed one.

We made costumes… because it’s us… I was Magenta and she was Columbia. I don’t know if I’ve ever worn that much makeup in my life.
rockyhorrorI had no idea what to expect. We got there way early so we could get good seats since we only had regular tickets for the crappy chairs towards the back but made friends with a guy in line who ended up having a table at the very front with bottle service and he invited us to join him so we ended up sitting right by the stage!

Speaking of stage, I got dragged up there. It was “pirate night” and the MC declared it an impromptu pirate impression contest and I do not kid around when it comes to theatrics… not to brag but my pirate impression was pretty ridiculously awesome and I won. The prize was an old box of Girl Scout cookies the MC had fished out of the back of his pantry and a kiss from an incredibly sexy pirate/Russel Brand’s doppelganger.

Wearing costumes and tons of makeup, being surrounded by the weirdest people in the tri-county area, making out with a sexy actor on stage in front of 1,000 people… the whole thing was like a one night flash back to theater camp.

My Summer List & A Surprise

So remember my list of things I wanted to accomplish this summer? Well I crossed a couple things off it this week.

Darla came over Tuesday for a breakfast lady date (cross that sucker off the list) where we made biscuits and gravy and explored the wonderful world of cold brew! (cross that sucker off the list too)
coldbrewHonestly I’m pretty furious at myself I haven’t discovered cold brewing earlier. It’s sooooo delicious and substantially easier than I ever could have imagined.
coldbrew2We also melted all the tiny broken crayon bits into big crayon chunks perfect for baby Sam’s tiny baby hands. That glittery purple one in the middle was our favorite.

I also added something new to the list!
listYEP! CAUSE THAT IS TOTALLY HAPPENING! David got offered his dream job in one of my dreams cities so we’re packing up all our shit! AHHHH I’M SO EXCITED!

Since I obviously have consumption…

When David gets sick he is an intelligent and reasonable human being about it. If he’s just a little sick he nuts up and muscles through it, if he’s really sick he lays around gets plenty of rest and fluids like the intelligent and reasonable human that he is.

When I get sick I turn into a massive drama queen. I decide I have some crazy illness then spend the next couple days laying around saying things like “I feel faint!” and reciting long and overly dramatic soliloquies bout how I’m dying from bubonic plague, bird flu, polio, or whatever it is this time. I’m not a hypochondriac, I don’t actually think I have these things, I just have a flair for the theatrical that seems to be exacerbated by germs.

The past couple days I’ve had a weird sinus thing and the drainage is making me cough up strange mucous-y globs at random points throughout the day.  David, of course, responds like an intelligent and reasonable human being.

consumption1dconsumption2dconsumption3dconsumption4dconsumption5dconsumption6dconsumption7d

Baths are stupid.

I will often try things just because for some reason I get it in my head that I should be the kind of person who does that thing. Am I the only person who does this? Somebody please tell me I’m not the only person who does this. I’m not even sure where these ideas come from half the time.

Sometimes it turns out awesome, like when I decided I should be the kind of person who bakes rosemary bread regularly, or when I decided I should be the kind who has a book club with her friends at a coffee shop once a week.

And sometimes it’s borderline tragic, like every single time I’ve decided I should be the kind of person who runs and tonight. Tonight I got it into my head that I should be the kind of person who takes long baths while reading great works of literature and drinking wine instead of the kind of person who lays on the couch in her underwear while watching Sister Wives on Netflix and drinking her white trash version of a margarita (a couple shots of tequila in a glass of Fresh and Easy brand limeade).

The fact that I am the kind of person who lays on the couch in her underwear while watching Sister Wives on Netflix and drinking white trash margaritas was of no consequence; these delusions are not about reality.

So I whipped up this recipe for a DIY detox bath salt I’d seen on pinterest, something that is suppose to draw out toxins or something, poured myself a glass of red wine from the box in the fridge (baby steps y’all, baby steps), grabbed a copy of some Kerouac, and made my way into the bathroom.

As soon as my butt hit the bottom of the tub I remembered why I don’t do this.

Getting the balls to crawl into the tub in the first place required me cleaning the thing first… and anything that requires me to clean the bathtub is probably not going to be worth it. Further more, baths are disgusting. Even after cleaning the tub I spent the whole time thinking about the fact that I was sitting in a stagnant pool of my own filth. And to top it all off taking a scalding bath when it’s 100 degrees out is just a terrible plan in general. It’s down right miserable in fact.

Oh well, another useless delusion bites the dust.

Summer Fun List

When I saw Tonya’s blog post about her summer fun list I was inspired. Her list was all these awesome things for her and the kids to do but I made my all things I want to do without the kids involved instead… the fact that Tonya is a better person than I am will come as no surprise to anyone who knows either of us.

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So there’s my list of what I want to get done this summer, with plenty of space at the bottom to add more things as the summer progresses.

Lots of things to read and things to see and shenanigans to engage in with Kristen… but honestly my #1 goal was that bottom one, get over my debilitating fear of bobbins.
bobbins2In sewing terms a bobbin is the tiny spool of thread in the bottom part of the machine directly under the needle.  In Jenna terms a bobbin is a tiny little asshole just waiting to fuck up all my shit and make completing whatever sewing project I’m attempting completely impossible. I like sewing, I really do, but bobbins are my arch nemesis.

So by “get over my fear” what I really mean is “conquor them forever so they can never bother me again”.

Regardless, we needed some more cloth napkins and I figured this epic fabric I found at Goodwill was the perfect thing for both the napkins and my attempt at completing a sewing project without eventually ripping the bobbin out of the machine and throwing it across the room. 
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I really am in love with that fabric. And I was all ready to deal with the bobbin problem myself when it finally decided to pick a fight… except then David came home right in the middle of our epic battle so I ended up making him deal with it instead.

Don’t you judge me. It’s only June and I have all summer to battle with the bobbin again. It’ll happen.

In related news, what’s on your summer to do list/what else should I put on mine?

We’re Bringing Fancy Back

I had the most fabulous dream the other night.

In it Kristen and I were sitting at my kitchen table drinking espresso while our kids ran feral around my back yard… like we always do… when the song Sex Back came on. We started talking about it, one thing led to another… like they always do… and we decided we should bring fancy back.

So we went through both our closets and took almost every single thing in them both to Goodwill, then went shopping and refilled our closets with black collar level cocktail dresses and ball gowns. All while singing “we’re bringing fancy back”.

The dream ended with us at the splash pad, our kids running through the water and us drinking our Starbucks… like we always do… but instead of matching all the other women there in their yoga pants and tank tops we were both wearing these massive and fabulous quinceanera dresses. Everyone was staring at us and we were like…fancyback